I know hell and back gets you nowhere
But I’d though I’d gone farther
Than this
There you are, in the early Monday morning radar
Gray-sweatered arms opened wide,
And though my hair is frizzy
And I’m caffeine-less down inside
You will not bend down to see
The fraying jeans, the fraying eyes
I’m sorry,
But you’re a black-and-white movie
In a passion splattered life
Your umbrellas are London rainy days
And your stick-straight TV remote posture
Is steady by my side
As you’ve never seen me cry,
No – you’ve heard stories of my past
But I say they are insubstantial
Echoes, scars will fade – all of that
But, darling, while you’re jacking off,
Still afraid to touch me,
I am counting days down until
It’s just to finally severe ties with you
Yes, I guess this is the all
This lowly town has still to offer
But I’m demanding
(as are my critics)
And I’ll have tomorrows
As long as their without you
It’s no never mind, though
Since I always
looked so terrible in gray.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yep, I'm loving this to pieces.
Only criticism - you seem a little stray on the punctuation, sometimes - ends of verses don't have full-stops where they should, there are places where lines just run for four or five without a break: I think this is a pretty slow paced piece, so you don't want it to sound like you're running the Olympics.
Apart from that, however, immense: your imagery was a joy to behold.
Oh yes, and I think you meant "sever" not "severe".
Very nice! I think the best part of this poem is the voice in it; I can tell you feel what you're saying. The only thing I would change are some small technical details.
"Yes, I guess this is all
This lowly town still has to offer."
"As long as they're without you"
Great poem!